Drown
by Shark Bacon
Summary: Finn had made the first wrong, but Kurt followed it up with something far more terrible. Two wrongs never make a right, but will there ever be a way to make their lives normal again? Or are they stuck watching each other from afar?
1. Chapter 1

A/N: It's been awhile since I've written anything, so cut me some slack. I have to get back into the swing of it :)

(and italicized font is flashbacky. just so ya know.)  
>I don't do disclaimers. I don't like witty little "baw baw doesn't belong to me baaaw" messages. I don't do them. You know who it belongs to.<p>

Oh, and it looks better in 3/4 or 1/2 view. Don't know why, it just frustrates me when everything is one line. So if you shrink it up, it looks much better.

And since when did Fanfiction outlaw dashes all together for line breaks? Have I been gone this long, really?

**CHAPTER ONE.**

**(o)(O)(o)**

Kurt glanced over at Finn, not surprised to see the other boy looking down at the paper on his desk. He wasn't doing homework, he was doing anything that would keep him from having to look at Kurt. Two wrongs don't make a right, and they had both learned it the hard way. Nothing they had done was right, and all Kurt could do was stare. Some days, he regretted what he had done. He wished that they could speak again. He'd made a mistake, a very terrible mistake, but it didn't mean they couldn't be in love again...

Finally, Finn looked up, uncomfortably catching Kurt's gaze. Kurt could see the other boy visibly pale, his dark eyes narrowed. Finn took a deep breath, holding his gaze for only a moment before looking back down to his paper.

Kurt's heart fell, he just wanted to talk. He wasn't all bad...  
><strong><br>(o)(O)(o)**

_"Dude, it's alright-"_

_"No! No, you don't understand! You don't know what it's like to have to be strong, not just for yourself, but everyone! You've never had to stand up for yourself, everyone just likes you, no one has ever hated you-ever!"_

_"Kurt, that's not true-"_

_"Yes, it is! You've never been thrown into a dumpster, or stuffed in lockers! Don't try to act like you understand what it's like! Don't even try!" He was flailing his arms, tears were pouring from his eyes. His white button up shirt was stained with red liquid, some of it blood, some of it dried sugary slush._

_And right now, in this very second, Finn found him like an angel stomped to the earth, wings crushed. He wanted nothing but to soothe the pain, but there was so little he could do. The boy was so proud, so independent, even in his worst moments. So all Finn did was stand there, in silence, allowing the other boy to lash out at him._

_"It's probably you're fault anyway! You hate living here! You hate living with me, because I'm different! God forbid I do something that you don't like! God forbid I be myself!" He was shaking with anger, pacing in front of Finn, "You probably made them do this to me! It was probably your idea!"_

_"...you know I wouldn't do that."_

_"Yeah? Yeah, well you didn't stop them! You'd never stop them! You'd rather see me thrown in the dirt and beaten than stand up for me. You're no better than any of them! It should be you! It should be you on the ground, crying for mercy!" He stormed closer to Finn, his eyes ablaze, "I don't care! I don't care if you didn't hit me!" At that, he swung a small fist, striking Finn just below the eye, "I'm sick of this, I'm sick of taking all your friend's shit! I'm sick of taking everyone's shit! I'm sick of taking your shit!"_

_Finn stumbled back, his fists clenched, "Kurt. Stop it. Just stop." He wouldn't hit him back, though at this point, he deserved it, "I'll stop them. I'll do... something. Just stop..."_

_"No! No, it's too late! I don't need to forgive any of you!"_

**(o)(O)(o)  
><strong>  
>"Has anything changed since we last spoke, Kurt?" The question could mean anything really. But Kurt knew what she meant. He wouldn't answer honestly even if anything had changed.<p>

"No. Nothing." He sat across the room in a large leather chair, his hands gripping the worn brown armrests. It reminded him of the story about the doctor's office and Type A people and Type B people. He wondered to himself whether he was a Type A or Type B, and if he was wearing out the chair with his nervous gripping...

On the other side of the room sat a small woman with soft blonde hair, staring patiently back at him, despite his uneagerness to speak, "Have you talked to Finn?"

At this, Kurt's eyes snapped up from the arm of the chair, "Of course not. He doesn't want me to. Everything that ever happened between us is done. It's always going to be done." He flicked back his hair in a nonchalant way, hoping to appear uncaring, but he knew it was all in vain. She knew how deeply it bothered him, how terrible he felt.

She sighed, and wrote something short on her clipboard, then looked up at him, "Kurt. You know that's not true. What happened between you isn't ever going to be done. He didn't press charges-"

"Because his mother didn't want to. It had nothing to do with him." This was true, both of them knew it. Finn would have pressed charges if he had been in control of the situation. It was a miracle for Kurt that Carole had decided against it.

The woman decided to ignore his words, "I talk to him as well, you know."

"Yeah, well I know you're not allowed to speak about anything either of us says to anyone." Kurt narrowed his teal eyes, "I don't want to hear it. It's only a lie, anyway."

**(o)(O)(o)**

Finn sat in the leather chair, wondering if Kurt had been in the exact same position only hours before. His dark eyes examined the room around him, searching for any traces of the other boy left behind. He couldn't handle some sort of...intervention. Not if Kurt was involved. Sure, he could deal with him in classes, usually, but speaking face to face with him? It made him shiver to even think about.

"Finn?"

He looked up at the woman sitting across from him, "Yeah?"

"Well, how have you been since I last saw you?"

"Fine," he mumbled shortly. His fingers rubbed against the worn brown leather of the chair. He didn't want to be here. Anywhere but here. Anywhere but here, talking about what had happened, and about Kurt.

"Nightmares?"

Finn took a deep breath, "I'm fine. It's not a big deal." Lies. He was lying. The nightmares plagued him day and night, torturing him every moment he closed his eyes. Only the sleeping pills that put him into a dreamless abyss held off the nightmares long enough for rest.

"What about the paranoia, Finn? How have you been dealing with that, lately?"

He shrugged, "I don't look for people out to get me so much." Which was true, mostly. He still searched for traces of Kurt in the air, but it wasn't all people he distrusted, just the one boy in particular. And he wouldn't call that paranoia, exactly.

"That's progress."

"Doesn't feel like it..." he growled softly, his dark eyes directed at the blue tiled floor. For a moment, he thought about laying down on the tile, pressing his cheek to the ice cold stone. To feel cool and solid, to melt like an iceburg into the cracks.

The woman frowned slightly, "What do you mean by that, Finn?"

"I mean that even if I'm not looking for people, I know there's people looking at me. It's not 'paranoia,' it's the truth. People know what happened, and even if they don't, they know _something _happened. It's not like I'm making this up. Everyone looks at me differently." This too, was true, it was just human nature. Everyone stares at the boy who's seen tragedy. Everyone edges around him, as if he's a fragile porcelain doll, ready to shatter at any second.

The doctor was silent for a moment, then finally spoke, tentatively, "Have you thought about going back to Glee club?"

"I'm not. I'm done singing." His eyes were cold and dark, this was something he would not budge on. He wouldn't sing again, ever.

"Have you talked to Kurt, then?"

A pang of terror and guilt struck deep in his chest, leaving him with a feeling something like a hard ball catching itself on his adam's apple, "I have nothing to say to him."

**(o)(O)(o)**

_"Boys, what's going on? Jesus Christ, Kurt, what the hell happened?" Burt raced down the stairs, shocked by his only son's appearance._

_"A bunch of guys jumped him," Finn mumbled, rubbing his cheek where Kurt had struck him. A bruise was already forming, and past his anger and guilt, he felt a little surprise, the small boy could really throw a punch._

_Kurt glared, "I'm fine, Dad. It's fine." He tried to flatten out his hair, only to find sticky, tangled locks. There was dirt and dried slush in his hair, and blood on his hands, and trying to flatten it out wasn't helping in the least._

_"Bullshit, Kurt. You're bleeding, you're a mess. Where the hell were you?" Burt turned on Finn, who looked down at the ground. He shuffled his feet a little before speaking quietly, not wanting to disappoint the closest he'd ever had to a father._

_"I was still in class." It wasn't a lie, entirely. He had been in class. He had stayed late to talk to one of the teachers. It wasn't a lie. Even though he knew what was about to happen outside in the parking lot._

_Tears poured from Kurt's eyes, but he turned away, heading towards the shower, "I'm fine, Dad. It's not a big deal." He was a little shaky on his feet, a little uneasy from the beating he had just taken. His steps were slow and uneven, and there was a part of him that wanted to linger, to run to his father's arms and cry until he fell asleep. Instead, he kept on, slowly moving towards the bathroom door._

_Burt looked doubtful of his son's words, but waited until he had closed the bathroom door to turn angrily to Finn, "You find out who the hell did this."_

_Finn nodded weakly and watched as Burt left the room. And slowly, he walked towards the bathroom door, knocking quietly, "Kurt?" For a long moment, there was silence. Only seconds before Finn was about to turn and leave, a small voice whispered from inside._

_"What do you want?"_

_"I'm sorry I didn't help you. I'm sorry, alright?" This wouldn't be enough for what had happened. He wouldn't even forgive himself for what he had done, why should Kurt?_

_"'Sorry' doesn't cut it, Finn." His voice was weak and echoed in the small bathroom, "Nothing you can say is going to fix this." And Finn knew it was true. Nothing he could ever do would make up for what had happened._

**(o)(O)(o)**

_Kurt smiled and laughed, his light eyes connecting with the dark ones gazing so intensely into his, "Isn't this perfect?" His hair was swept up, fluttering slightly in a light wind. Everything about him looked so... right. So sweet, and innocent, and...perfect._

_Finn nodded, the world almost cloudy around them, "Yeah, it's nice." Momentarily, he wondered where he could be, but quickly shook off the thought, it didn't really matter, did it?_

_Kurt walked forward, his hands behind his back, "It's so nice being with you. Just you, you know? With no one else around..." He looked so soft. Finn wanted to reach out, to run his hands through the boy's perfect hair, to squeeze his small hands with his own, but something held him back. Was it... fear?_

_"Yeah, it's kind of cool," Finn said softly._

_Kurt took Finn's hands in his, smiling gently, "No one will see..."_

_"Y-yeah, I know..." he mumbled, allowing Kurt to sweep him into a gentle dance. It felt so perfect, and so normal, with Kurt pressed against his chest, a soft swaying dance taking over their feet. Finn rested his head on top of Kurt's, smiling softly, "Y-yeah, this is okay..." He closed his eyes, allowing the shorter boy to lead._

_"I know. I told you everything would be alright." Kurt's voice had changed, no longer sweet and innocent, "I told you this would be good."_

_Finn's eyes snapped open; he was outside, his arms tied behind him, and Kurt was crouched above him, his sweet teal eyes now narrowed and angry, "W-what?"_

_"I told you this would be good, Finn." He threw water in Finn's face, laughing, "I told you we'd have fun." His voice was cold and dark, his eyes staring deep into Finn's, "I told you." He swung his fist around to the side of Finn's head, nothing but malice left in his eyes._

"Finn?"

He awoke with a start, shaking in his desk, "W-what?"

Rachel stood over him, her hand on his back, "Maybe you should go to the nurse, Finn..." She knew that he had nightmares. Everyone did at this point. Her eyes looked worried, but Finn brushed her off, swiftly jumping to his feet.

"Y-yeah, that sounds good," he muttered quickly, grabbing up his bag, "See you." Other students were staring, and all Finn could do was glare. He left the study hall room, paying very little attention to the teacher. Surely all his teachers were used to this by now.

Finn stopped at his locker, wondering what he was going to do next. He wasn't going to the nurse. The most logical idea was to go to the psychiatrist. Finn shook his head, he wasn't going to do that either. So he simply stood in front of his locker, unsure of what he wanted to do. He was still shaking, "Damn nightmares," he mumbled softly.

"Finn?"

He turned, surprised to see no one but an old teacher of his, Mr. Schue. "Uh... hi."

"You alright, Finn?" He looked worried, wrinkles deepening on his forehead as he stared at his former student.

Finn nodded quickly, "Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired." He ran a shaky hand through his dark hair, then shoved his bag into the locker.

Will frowned, "Alright.. I'm glad I ran into you, though. I've been wanting to talk to you."

Finn already knew where this was going, and he wasn't terribly eager to have this conversation again, "I'm not coming back, Mr. Schue. I'm sorry," He closed his locker, turning to face the teacher, "I don't sing anymore."

"It can be very therapeutic, Finn, if you'd just give it a chance." Will meant it, he'd seen several of the Glee kids work through their problems with music.

"I don't sing anymore, Mr. Schue, I'm sorry." Finn didn't want to explain why. He didn't want to talk to anyone about how Kurt had taken his voice. It was something he planned to keep to himself for the rest of his life.

He sighed, "I'm sorry, Finn. But we'll always be waiting for you in Glee club if you want to come back. You're always welcome there."

"Thanks." Finn gave him a weak smile, "I've got to go though, I'm late for an appointment."

"Dr. Alex?"

"Y-yeah," Fantastic, he thought sarcastically, now he'd actually have to go talk to the school psychiatrist. There were a million other things he'd rather do at the moment.

"I'll walk with you," Mr. Schue clapped a hand on Finn's back as they started to walk, "You know Puck and Sam have to sing all the songs I'd want you to sing now."

"Yeah. They're good singers."

"They are good." The teacher gave him a smile, "I know you're not coming back, but I won't lie and say we're just as good without you. We're not."

"Sorry."

There was an awkward pause, and Finn glanced over at the teacher beside him, his brow furrowed, "You know why I can't sing, Mr. Schue."

"I know why you think you can't sing," Will said softly, "But no one can take your voice."

"Yes, they can." Finn mumbled, "It's not just a slap in the face that hurts." _There are pains so much deeper than that, _he thought to himself.

Mr. Schuester looked down, "Yeah, I know Finn. But song can be one of the best cures for any pain."

"I just don't believe that, Mr. Schue. Sorry." Finn stopped in front of a door, holding out his hand for a handshake with the teacher, "Thanks, though."

Will took his hand in a quick handshake, "Anytime, Finn. We'll always be waiting for you. Tell Dr. Alex I said 'hi.'"

Finn nodded and pushed open the door, not entirely eager for what he was about to go through.

**(o)(O)(o)**

A/N: Bad Kurt! Something made me want to make him bad and evil and awesome at the same time. But he feels bad about it, I promise.

Tell me how I'm doing, it's been a loooong time since I've written anything.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Yeah, so I just thought I'd keep writing. You know. What the hell.

Focusing more on Kurt today, since last chapter was a bit too Finn-centric.

**CHAPTER TWO.**

**(O)(o)(O)**

"I just had another nightmare. That's all..."

"That's all?" The woman frowned, "Can you tell me what happened in it?"

Finn shifted uncomfortably, "Yeah. I mean. I guess... He was there..."

"Kurt?"

"Yeah. He was there. And he was... nice, and... looked good. Like he used to..." Finn felt his cheeks go red, there were very few people he had told about his feeling for Kurt.

"Go on, Finn," Dr. Alex wrote something on her clipboard and looked back up to Finn, "You're doing good."

His fingers curled around the edge of the armrest, feeling around the small, worn, tears in the leather. Finally, he spoke, slowly, "He was perfect again... He was soft, and warm, and he held my hand and was... like he used to be." Finn looked down, taking a deep breath before continuing, "And then... he was cold. And mean. And...he wanted to hurt me..."

"What did he do?"

"W-water," Finn forced himself to say the word, "I was... tied up..."

"And then?"

"I-I woke up." Finn was shaking, he didn't want to talk anymore, he wanted to push these memories back, he wanted to forgot anything that ever happened with Kurt, good or bad.

Dr. Alex nodded and gave him a small smile, "I'm proud of you for coming here today."

Finn felt a small pang of guilt, he really hadn't intended to come to see her.

"Have you been taking the medicine?"

"Sometimes I take the sleeping pills at night..."

"And the anxiety medicine?"

Finn shook his head, "I don't like it... It makes me feel weird."

The doctor sighed, "It's really meant to help you, Finn. It can help reduce the amount of nightmares you have. It could possibly stop the panic attacks."

"I just don't like it."

She frowned, but chose to leave the subject alone, "Tell me more about your dream."

Finn shrugged, "That's it. I told you all of it."

Dr. Alex set down her clipboard and stared at Finn, and then finally spoke, "Your dreams mean more than you think, Finn." She paused, waiting for Finn to respond. When he simply stared, she sighed and continued on, "They're telling your mind that you still have unfinished business. That you still have a lot to work out with Kurt."

"I'm not talking to him."

"It would do you good. If it made you more comfortable, you could have someone sit in with you. I could help work it out between the two of you-"

"Don't talk about it like it's some petty fight!" Finn's voice was sharp, cracking in his throat, "You know what he did to me, he-he tried to hurt me..."

Softly, Dr. Alex spoke, "He's forgiven you for what you did to him, Finn."

Finn looked down, his hands shaking. It was hardly the same. "Can I just... go?"

"Are you going back to class?"

"Yeah..." He was lying again. No, he was going home, and Dr. Alex probably knew it as well, but there was very little she could do about it. Besides, why bother? There was barely a half hour left, anyway.

"Alright. Then I'll see you next week, Finn."

He rose from his chair, and quickly left the room, not pausing to bid the psychiatrist goodbye.

(O)(o)(O)

Sometimes, Kurt missed the way Finn had made him feel. When he had pushed it to the back of his mind that they would never be real, and open, and truly together, he used to find himself really happy.

And right at that moment, laying in bed after a quick walk home from school, Kurt deeply wished that he could talk to Finn again. He wanted everything to be the way it used to, when Finn would sneak downstairs at night and talk to him, and run his hands through his hair, and give him kisses he never thought he would have. He missed Finn's warm embraces and silly questions.

Kurt rolled over in bed and sighed, "Well, you fucked that up, Kurt..."

But to be completely honest with himself, it wasn't only his fault. He'd taken countless dumpster dives, slushies, being shoved into lockers, all while Finn stood and watched. Sometimes he even laughed.

And when Finn didn't come to his rescue when those boys threw him around and kicked him in the dirt, that was the last straw. When Finn knew what was happening, and stayed in the school, took his time with his things, it snapped something in Kurt.

_But I'm on medicine now_, he thought to himself, _I can be normal. We can go back to what we were..._

"No," he mumbled softly, he'd changed Finn. What he'd done was too much. He'd taken a boy that was normal and happy, and turned him into a paranoid, terrified shut-in. He'd seen Finn glance around nervously, check around corners.

That alone was enough to make Kurt cry, but he tried his best to hold back the tears. _Can't I just call him_, he thought to himself, _would he even answer?_

Nervously, Kurt pulled his phone from his pocket and slowly went through his contacts. There he was. Finn H. He even had a picture for him. And timidly, Kurt pressed the call button and moved the phone to his ear and held his breath.

One ring.

Two.

"Hey, this is Finn, sorry I missed you. Leave a message, I'll call you back." His voicemail was so cheerful, he must have never changed it. He probably had the same voicemail message for years.

Seconds went by, and Kurt wished deeply he could hear his voice that way again. With a small sigh, he hung up and blinked back his tears. He knew he wouldn't answer. He knew he'd run away in the halls at school. If only he could talk to him again, if only he could form some kind of plan...

(o)(O)(o)

Finn had stopped for a milkshake before heading home, hoping that maybe a rush of sugar and chocolate could stop the terrified tremble he couldn't seem to shake. But, once he had climbed back into his vehicle to head home, Finn had felt the phone vibrate in his pocket. He had even pulled the phone out to look at it. He saw the name, whipped the truck to the side of the road, and hit ignore, shaking. Why? Why was Kurt trying to call him?

He wanted to throw the phone into the ditch. He wanted to throw up. He wanted to grab Kurt by the hair and throw him in the dirt, to humiliate him, to change Kurt the way he'd changed him. He wanted Kurt to be the one who jumped when someone touched him. He wanted Kurt to wake up at night, shaking and cold.

Finn slammed his hands into the steering wheel in a rage, then ran his hands roughly through his hair. What was he supposed to do?

Could he transfer? No, there was no way his mother could afford the out of district tuition. He could just drop out. Forget high school.

He shook his head; no, he had to graduate. But two years was so long. He couldn't deal with this for two more years, it would drive him insane.

After several minutes of sitting on the side of the road in the beat up green truck, Finn finally decided to continue his drive home. _Home_, he thought miserably to himself, _what a nice home we have because of me_. Home was a small apartment on the third floor of a run down apartment complex. Most of the time, it was a decent place, as long as you had a can of Raid handy to ward off the bugs every so often. The people upstairs were relatively nice, the ones that spoke English were, anyway. And the downstairs neighbors weren't so bad when they weren't having huge parties.

With a sigh, Finn climbed the stairs and opened the door to the small home he and his mother shared, "Mom?"

"You're early today. How was school?" Carole was so gentle and kind, and Finn would have done anything for her. In fact, even after his problems with Kurt, he offered to move out, himself, so Carole wouldn't have to leave Burt. But she was sweet, and loving, and would do anything for her son; she'd never have Finn move out on his own, especially after what he'd been through.

"It was fine, Mom..."

She stared at him for a moment before speaking, "You look a little pale, Finn. Have you eaten today?"

"Yeah, a little, I had a milkshake," he mumbled quietly. He didn't need her to worry about him, "I'm alright, Mom."

"You just worry me, Finn," she admitted, "Let me cook you supper before I go to work, alright?"

He shrugged, "You really don't have to, Mom. You should go rest or something." Finn meant it, he didn't want his mother to have to cook for him before she went to work all night-to pay for the apartment she was forced to get because of him. He felt terrible about it already, especially since he couldn't find a job for himself to help out.

Carole smiled, "No, I'm going to cook you supper. How about some spaghetti? Some empty carbs would do you some good, Finn, you've lost so much weight." She laid a gentle hand on his shoulder, and he was forced to give her a small smile.

"If you really want to, Mom. I can help." Finn rose from his chair, but froze when he heard the reminder beep on his phone.

"You missed a call, Finn," his mother said absentmindedly as she pulled out a large pan to boil water in, "Is it one of your friends?"

"No..." he mumbled softly, "It was Kurt."

Carole spun around, her eyes wide, "What does he want?"

"I don't know," he snapped, "I don't know, I didn't answer."

His mother set the pan down and took a step towards him, "I can... call Burt."

"No. No, Mom, I'm fine. It's fine." He was shaking, and he knew his mother could tell, but he kept talking, reassuring himself, "I'm fine."

"Are you sure, Finn? I can call someone. I can help..."

"No. Mom, I'm fine. It's not a big deal. And I think I'm going to go out. Don't worry about the spaghetti, okay? I'll just pick up a cheeseburger or something." Finn had to get out of the house, he couldn't keep talking about this with his mother. Quickly, he pushed open the front door, throwing a smile back at his mother before he left.

"Finn, honey-"

But he was already out the door and halfway down the stairs. With money the way it was, he really shouldn't be wasting it on gas and cheeseburgers, but he couldn't stay inside any longer.

(O)(o)(O)

Kurt had had enough of sitting and thinking about Finn. So when he grabbed his iPod and jumped in the Navigator, he knew he had to find something fitting for what he was about to do. He whipped out of the drive way and tore down the road, skimming quickly through songs. Something loud, anything to get him ready for this. He wasn't going to sit and think about Finn any longer. He was going to do something about it. After all, it's what the shrink told him to do, anyway. Maybe not like this. Maybe Dr. Alex hadn't specifically meant that Kurt should corner Finn and force him to talk. But there was no other way.

Kurt knew where the other boy's apartment was, and he was a bit disappointed to see the green truck pulling out of the parking space. He thought maybe he could catch him at home. He could follow him...

He shook his head, _no, I'll just wait here. His mom works nights, and he'll come back soon, I'm sure... _Kurt pulled the large vehicle into an empty space across the street from the apartment complex, prepared for any kind of wait that was to come. Finn would have to come home eventually.

(O)(o)(O)

Hours had passed with Finn driving around. Around the lake, to McDonald's, around town. And when he had finally decided that he'd wasted enough gas, he pulled into the assigned apartment parking space and climbed out of the truck. He took a deep breath and looked up at the darkening sky, everything was better now. He just needed some air, that was all. Eveything was okay now.

Slowly, he climbed up the stairs and opened the door to the apartment, threw his coat on the chair, and walked into the kitchen, surprised by a sudden knock on the door.

Finn sighed, wasn't it too late for those door-to-door sales people? With a frown, Finn opened the door, surprised to have it pushed back into him and knocking him down, a small body passing through the doorway and slamming the door shut behind him.

Pale green eyes stared down at him, a long black peacoat hugging tightly around the intruder's body. He looked good, as he always did, but the very sight of him made Finn tremble.

"We're going to talk, Finn. Now."

(o)(O)(o)

A/N: Yes, yes, yes. Mentally unstable Bad Kurt. So good. So so so good.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I'm gonna be completely honest and tell you I didn't proofread or even spell-check the last chapter. I finished about twenty seconds before I had to leave for work and I uploaded it as fast as I could. I scrolled through to make sure my italics were right (because sometimes fanfiction uploader decides to jack all the bolding and italicizing up), and posted in less than five minutes. So excuse those mistakes if there are any. The only thing I wasn't sure of, was if Finn's truck was green. Hmm...

**CHAPTER THREE.**

Finn felt like he was going to choke. Kurt was several feet away from him, but he felt so close. Finn could smell his soft cologne, feeling like he might throw up at any second. He couldn't even bring himself to crawl away from the other boy.

"Finn, get up. I'm not here to hurt you," Kurt's voice was stern, but there was a flash of guilt in his eyes, "Here-" He took a step towards Finn and reached out a hand to help, but stopped suddenly when the boy on the floor threw a panicked kick towards Kurt.

"N-no-get out-go-"

"I need to talk to you, Finn." He had a hurt look in his green eyes, but he took a step back, "You won't answer your phone."

"N-no. No." Finn closed his eyes, _God, this isn't real. He isn't here. He isn't cornering me in my own home. He isn't here. He isn't here._

"Finn. Stop."

Finn crawled backwards against the wall, putting his hands by his ears, "This isn't real, this isn't real..." He was breathing heavily, his entire body trembling. He could feel his chest tightening painfully, his entire body locking up against his will.

"Finn," Kurt crouched beside him, hesitant to reach out and touch him, "Finn, you have to breathe." He wanted to leave, he'd made a mistake coming to the apartment. But he couldn't leave. Not now, with Finn about to have a heart attack or something on the floor.

"No, no, no..." Finn was shaking his head, holding his hands tight over his ears. He was barely breathing at this point, and Kurt finally reached out to place his hand on Finn's shoulder.

"Finn, you have to breathe. Please just calm down... I'm not going to hurt you... I'm not..." Kurt had tears stinging in his eyes, "God, Finn, I'm so sorry..." He knew he was the one that made Finn like this. He was the one that put the paranoia and fear into the former football player. Kurt touched Finn's shaking hand stroked up into his hair, "What did I do to you...?"

Kurt didn't know what to do. He could take him to the hospital, but that would be a bit like the peanut taking a guy in anaphylactic shock to the emergency room. Instead, Kurt continued to crouch on the floor and ran his hand through Finn's soft hair, surprised when he sank down to the floor, limp.

"Fuck. Fuck!" He leaned over Finn, quickly checking his pulse on his neck. It was there, but Kurt frowned, _did he just faint? _What was he supposed to do with him? Finn was over six feet tall, and couldn't be terribly light. There was no way Kurt could move him somewhere comfortable. Instead, Kurt retrieved a small pillow from the couch in the adjacent room and pulled Finn out flat on the floor, the pillow underneath his head. It was the best he could do.

While Finn laid motionless on the floor, Kurt reached down to his hand, intertwining their fingers together. He'd missed Finn's touch so much. Even if it was just pretend, he wanted Finn to hold him again. Even if it was secret, he wanted Finn to kiss him and tell him he loved him. He didn't care if Finn didn't mean a single word of it.

Kurt held Finn's hand to his cheek, surprised to find tears streaming from his eyes. He couldn't do this any longer. He didn't care if it was selfish, he couldn't deal with it anymore. He needed someone to love him. Everyone looked at him differently. He needed someone, anyone. Kurt laid Finn's hand softly down and leaned over him, his pales hands resting on the floor on either side of Finn's head. Hesitantly, he leaned closer and laid a feather light kiss on the other boy's lips. He needed this so badly. He needed Finn. He wanted Finn to lie to him, to confess love he didn't have. He needed Finn to wrap his arms around him and kiss him on the forehead, even if it meant nothing. Kurt didn't care.

**(O)(o)(O)**

_"Let's go down to the lake, Finn. It'll be fun." Kurt's green eyes were pleading, and Finn couldn't say no, not to the perfect boy standing in front of him. Kurt wore a white, form-fitting button down shirt, rolled up a little past his elbows, the shirt hanging down a little over the dark blue skinny jeans, "Please? There's no one down there, no one will see."_

_Finn smiled his small, crooked smile and nodded slightly, "Yeah. Alright."_

_Both boys climbed into Finn's truck, which was nothing out of the ordinary, with their parents living together. Anyone at school would have thought they were just heading home, like normal step brothers. Instead, they were heading to the secluded lake, holding hands secretly on the way. Once they arrived, Kurt jumped out of the truck and turned back to Finn._

_Kurt gave him a small smile, "Thanks for bringing me here, Finn. It's just... so nice out here."_

_Finn wrapped an arm around him and placed a warm kiss on the top of his head, "Yeah. It is."_

_"Come on, Finn," Kurt giggled and pulled him further down towards the water, "It'll be fun." He stopped under a large oak tree and turned to Finn, "It's pretty secluded down here..."_

_He ran a rough hand through his spiked black hair and smirked, "Yeah. It's cool."_

_Kurt pushed Finn against the tree and gave him a quick kiss, pausing to glance up at the other boy, his body still leaning against him, "It's so nice being with you. Just you, you know? With no one else around..." His short brown hair ruffled slightly in the wind, and Finn reached up and twirled a small lock of it in between his fingers. Kurt frowned and batted his hand away, "You'll mess it up."_

_So instead of running his hands through Kurt's hair like he'd wanted, Finn just smiled and stared down into his pale green eyes, and his hands dropped to place themselves on Kurt's waist._

_"I've got some drinks in my backpack, Finn..." he said with a smile before he lowered his lips to Finn's neck, "It'd be fun..."_

_"O-okay," he mumbled, half in a daze from the other boy, "Do you want me to get it?"_

_"No... I got it," Kurt smirked and pushed past him to walk briskly up the hill to the truck. Once there, he glanced back down to make sure the Finn was completely hidden by the trees. He grabbed a half bottle of vodka hidden in the bottom of his bag and ran quickly back down the hill and stopped in front of Finn, "This okay?"_

_"It's hot..."_

_"It's been in my bag all day. It's still good, though." Kurt sat in front of the tree and waited for Finn to do the same. He unscrewed the cap and took a small sip, the sharp taste of the alcohol filling his mouth._

_"Only stupid high schoolers like us drink this shit straight," Finn mumbled before he took a short drink from the bottle, "It tastes like that stuff doctors rub on you before they give you a shot."_

_"Like rubbing alcohol," Kurt said with a nod, "But it works." He crawled over to Finn and kissed him quickly on the lips, then moved down to his neck._

_Finn shivered and took another long sip from the bottle as he put his free arm around Kurt's back. The other boy moved into his lap, his mouth trailing up his neck to quickly nip at Finn's ear._

_"We're hidden down here, Finn, don't worry..."_

_Finn pressed his lips to the bottle once more, even though he knew he was drinking too fast. His hands were already numb. Kurt looked so good above him, staring down at him. The boy was so perfect, so feminine, but not "girly." He could stand up for himself, and throw his own punches, he didn't need a boyfriend to protect him like some girl would. Finn smiled, he was like some crazy boy-animal who went wild after dark, always attacking Finn with kisses and sex when they were alone. Like right now, Finn thought to himself hazily. He was a little numb all over, but he could still feel Kurt's lips and hands exploring his neck and chest, and he wondered to himself when his shirt had come unbuttoned, and if Kurt had even taken a drink of the vodka._

_Finn mumbled something, but it only came out as a slurred moan, and he closed his eyes against the light. He was getting drunk way too fast. He'd had vodka before, and he'd never lost himself this quickly..._

**(O)(o)(O)**

Finn awoke with a gasp, wondering why he was on the floor. His head was pounding, but he was surprised to find a small pillow underneath it. Slowly, he sat up and looked around the room. It was just the apartment, why was he asleep on the floor...?

Suddenly, he realized it, and looked frantically around the room for the intruder. No one was there. Kurt had left. Kurt was gone. His hands trembling, Finn pulled his phone from his pocket to check the time. It was nearly midnight. And he had one new message. He knew it was from Kurt. He wanted to delete it. He didn't want to hear that boy's voice. He didn't want explanations. He wanted him to disappear.

Against his own heart telling him not to do it, Finn dialed his voicemail and entered the password, nearly dropping the phone, he was shaking so badly.

Finally, he heard the voice, and he tried his best to not throw the phone away from him.

"God. God, Finn, I'm so sorry. I fucked up, Finn. I fucked up so bad. I didn't want to change you-I didn't want to do this to you-I just... I wanted you to feel how I felt. And tonight-tonight... God, Finn, I just wanted to talk to you so bad. And I haven't been taking my medicine, and I'm so out of control right now. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry- Dr. Alex told me to talk to you, and... I'm so sorry, Finn. Fuck. I'm sorry..." He sounded half manic, half tearful, and Finn knew he had to be pacing back and forth nervously as he had left the message. If Finn knew anything about Kurt, he knew he was probably still pacing, and would be all night.

_ "I wanted you to feel how I felt." That's what he said_, Finn thought to himself. _He never felt this way. He was never scared and terrified and having panic attacks on the floor. _Finn pulled his knees to his chest and closed his eyes, _no. No, that's not true_, his mind almost whispered to him. He endured a lot of terrible things too. He'd been teased and beaten and harassed every day of his life, while Finn stood and did nothing.

_No. No, that didn't make it okay. That didn't make it fair...  
><em>  
><strong>(O)(o)(O)<strong>

_Kurt had been walking to his locker that day at school. He'd been wearing his best jeans, with a soft, purple button up shirt, with the pearl colored buttons, and a beautiful hat. He didn't care that teachers would snap at him for wearing a hat, it was perfect, and it looked wonderful on him and he wouldn't take it off._

_But, to Kurt's surprise, he was thrown into a locker and soaked in red, freezing liquid, surrounded by laughter. He opened his mouth to snap at the football players that circled him, but was shocked to be shoved back against a locker once again. He let out a soft "oh" as his head banged back against the locker and knocked off his favorite hat-usually they weren't that rough with him._

_The boys grabbed him by the shoulders of his shirt and ripped him down the hallway into the locker room, then tossed him down against the red lockers. Kurt struggled against them, but it did little good. All he could do was look up at the taller boys as they laughed at him, soaked in red slushy. He made eye contact with Karofsky, and tried desperately to beg him not to hurt him with his eyes alone, but one of the other boys grabbed him by the hair and slammed him back into one of the lockers._

_One of the boys in the back spoke up, "Hey, is Finn coming for this?"_

_"No, he told us to do it without him, he needed some math help or something."_

_"Fucking Finn, bailing when we've finally got the queer alone."_

_Kurt blinked back tears and narrowed his eyes at the boys, "Fine. Go ahead. Fucking go ahead and do what you're going to do." And Kurt was struck violently in the side of the head, almost knocked to the floor. One of the boys grabbed him by the hair and pulled him backwards, but Kurt was silent._

_More and more hits came, until Kurt was on the floor, bleeding and bruised, and still, the beating continued. Every so often, one of the boys would pull him back up by the hair so they could laugh at him so helpless. Even after the punches, there were sharp kicks to his stomach and sides, until all he could do was lie on the floor while the boys laughed. Finally, one threw another red slushy down on top of him, cup and all, and they all walked out, giving each other high fives._

_And Kurt stayed on the floor for what felt like forever; he felt the hot blood running from his mouth and nose and what he thought may be the side of his head. Kurt felt the red slush melting through his favorite outfit, and he thought maybe he was crying too, but he couldn't be sure. It didn't even hurt, he was so numb. Kurt thought about not getting up, just laying on the floor until someone found him, but eventually, he brought himself up on his knees and allowed his tears to fall, in anger more than anything else._

_Finn hadn't come. Finn had known what was coming. And Finn didn't come running to help him. Finn was no white knight in shining armor. Finn was a coward._

_Kurt sobbed softly and tried to flatten out his hair, to no avail, "I fucking hate you..." He dropped down to just his hands and knees, his vision blurring with tears to hide the blood-stained, sticky tiles below him, "I fucking hate you, Finn. I hate all of this. I hate you." The words slipped like hot venom from his lips, only increasing his sobs._

_The fact that he was beaten didn't even hurt anymore, Finn didn't come. The thought ran through his head over and over again, and Kurt found himself weakly throwing his fists at the floor below him. He wanted to scream. He wanted so badly to scream himself into oblivion._

_No, he thought to himself, I'm not laying down and taking this. I'm not doing it. Why can't Finn hurt like I hurt? Why can't Finn see all of this? Why can't he be humiliated and scared? I'm not taking this anymore. I'm not doing it anymore..._

**(O)(o)(O)**

Kurt was sitting in the leather chair once again, his eyes glued to Dr. Alex.

"Kurt, why did you do what you did?"

"I don't know. I don't know, I didn't take my medicine, and..." he trailed off and covered his face with his hands, "I just don't know..."

"Kurt. You can't force someone to talk. They have to be ready for it too." Dr. Alex looked legitimately worried about him this time as she wrote notes quickly on her clipboard, "And you have to take your medicine. It's a very serious thing, what you did last night."

"I know. I know!" he stood up and clenched his fists at his sides as he started to pace, "I just needed to talk to him so bad. I didn't know he was so-so...scared. I didn't know!" Kurt frantically waved his arms, "It's just not fair! He doesn't even-he doesn't understand! Everyone looks at me like I'm the bad guy! Like I'm the only one that did something wrong!"

The woman nodded slowly, giving him time to continue to talk.

"It's like-like he thinks he never did anything! No one knows that side of it! No one knows that he used me for sex and told me he loved me! He didn't tell anyone about that!" Kurt could feel the familiar sting of hot tears building up in his pale eyes, but he quickly blinked them back, "And those boys took me to the locker room and beat the shit out of me-and he knew about it! He knew what was going to happen and he stayed late for math help so he didn't have to see it! He never gave a shit about me!"

"I think maybe he didn't want to watch because he did care about you, Kurt."

He shook his head, furious, "Then he's a coward. He's a coward who just wanted a quick fuck when our parents weren't watching."

"Did he deserve it, Kurt?"

"No. No," Kurt hissed, "He didn't deserve any of it." He turned and looked towards the mirror by the door and tried to hold back tears, even though he could feel his chest tighten, "But neither did I. I didn't deserve it either."

(O)(o)(O)

Fuck yeah, fuck yeah. Angry Kurt, Bad Kurt, No Meds Kurt all in one chapter. And Dumb Finn and Scared Finn too. You don't even know who to be mad at, right?

Yeahhh._  
><em>


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Sorry for my slow updates, I'm sort of in a moving process right now, and my whole life has to be boxed up and moved somewhere else. That and I've lost internet for a week because of the move. So I've been pretty busy. But, free time means writing time, so here goes-

**CHAPTER 4**

_Kurt hadn't taken a single sip of the vodka. He'd been able to slip a sleeping pill into the mix to get Finn to sleep, careful not to let a single drop slip through when he pressed his lips to the bottle. Finn, on the other hand, was drinking it fast, and quickly coming in and out of consciousness as Kurt kissed his neck and chest. There was a point when Finn fell asleep, Kurt almost backed out. He almost pulled the bottle away and forgot the whole plan, looking at Finn like that. But he could still see the bruises on his arms, he could still feel the humiliation of being beaten in the locker room. All while Finn ran and hid._

_No, Finn needed to know exactly what humiliation and fear was._

_So when Finn finally faded out from the drugs, Kurt got the thin, white rope from his backpack and tied Finn's hands and feet, then pulled him as gently as he could down towards the water._

_Then all he could do was sit and wait for the other boy to return from his forced sleep._

**(O)(o)(O)**

Finn sat in silence across from Dr. Alex, his brow furrowed. He glanced quickly around the room and then back towards the doctor, wringing his hands together in his lap. Neither spoke, both waiting for the other.

Finally, Dr. Alex cleared her throat, "Finn. I want you to tell me about what happened the other night."

He stared blankly, his mind racing to figure out what to say. A few seconds passed, and finally, he opened his mouth, "Kurt showed up." His mouth felt dry, his tongue like sandpaper scraping against his lips, "That's... all."

"Tell me what happened." She was writing quietly on her clip board, something that frustrated Finn greatly.

"I don't even... I don't even know. I passed out. I had another panic attack. And I woke up and he was gone."

Dr. Alex pushed her blonde hair behind her ear and nodded, "Why do you think you had a panic attack?"

"Because he fucking terrifies me," Finn admitted quietly. "He's small and I could beat the shit out of him, but he scares me so bad."

"What holds you back, then, Finn? From hurting him?"

"I don't know. I don't know..."

"Do you think maybe you care for him, still?"

Finn shrugged, "No. I don't know. He needs help. Like serious mental help."

At this, Dr. Alex frowned, "He's getting mental help. You know that, Finn."

"He left me a crazy voicemail saying he wasn't taking his medicine, and all this other stuff. Whatever help he's getting isn't really working." Finn stood up, glancing around the room nervously, "He was waiting for me to come home. He waited outside, and broke in as soon as I got home. He's fucking crazy."

The woman nodded slowly, "Is that what you really think of him, Finn?"

"Yes. He's not right. He's not right in the head or something."

"And if he was in his right mind, got all the help he needed, and was back to the way he used to be, do you think you would like him again?"

This caught Finn off guard, stopping him in his pacing back and forth across the room. Kurt used to be beautiful and normal and sweet. Kurt used to be perfect. "He's never going to be normal again."

"But if he was, Finn?"

"I don't know."

"Would you have been able to make your relationship public if he hadn't wronged you?"

"I-I don't know."

Dr. Alex nodded her head and wrote something quickly on her clipboard, "Were you afraid people would have treated you differently?"

"What kind of question is that?" He snapped irritably, "Of course I was! They beat the shit out of him on a daily basis! Do you think I wanted that?"

"Kurt didn't want that, either, Finn. But he was able to come to terms with who he was and be happy, despite how people treated him." She kept her gaze on him for a moment, and then finally sighed, "I don't mean to upset you, Finn. I'm simply trying to make you understand that you can be happy without hiding who you are."

"I'm not _gay_, okay?" He felt like a child going into a tantrum, only moments from stamping his feet, "Yeah, I fucked around with him. Yeah-I mean, we did a lot-but I don't _look _at guys. I don't even-I don't even think he counts as a guy! It's not like I want to check out other guys in the locker room, it was just-just... him. He was the only guy." He trailed off, unsure of what to say next, "I mean, and that was a pretty fucked up relationship. Right?"

Dr. Alex nodded, "It wasn't a healthy relationship, on either part. But that doesn't make it like it never happened."

"It wasn't anything. It wasn't like-like something serious. We're just kids, fucking around- I mean, that's what we do, right?" Finn's voice was cracking, he felt he could break down at any minute, "And it-it just got way out of control. I mean-no one warned me that he was crazy..."

"He's not 'crazy,' Finn." Dr. Alex sounded a little exasperated, "He has mental imbalances, as many people do. And he's getting help for his problems, as are you."

"Yeah? Yeah, well I never tried to drown him in the fucking lake! I may be messed up-but I never tried to kill him!"

The doctor nodded slowly, and glanced at the clock, "Well. Our time is up. But I want you to think about what you've told me today. And maybe try to ponder exactly why he did what he did."

"Yeah, whatever. He did it because he was fucking nuts," Finn snapped, then grabbed his bag and stormed out the door, not waiting for Dr. Alex to respond.

Out in the halls of the school, Finn felt vulnerable, and he tried to quickly get to where he was going, so he knew he could be safe, away from Kurt. It wasn't often that he saw him, though, which didn't calm his mind at all. Finn sometimes thought Kurt may be hiding where he couldn't see him, watching him still. When he got to his math class, Finn checked around the corners of the room and by the teacher's desk in the back before he sat down.

He sighed and laid his head on his desk, it was going to be a terribly long day...

**(O)(o)(O)**

Kurt skipped school the next day, he hadn't cared much about his grades for quite some time. So, instead of being in French class, Kurt was outside the mall, trying to decide exactly what he was going to do for the day. He didn't have enough money to go shopping, really, with his taste in fashion.

The school would probably call his father, but Burt was used to it by now. He hadn't given up on Kurt completely, but he was close enough to not care anymore when his son skipped school. Since Carole had left, he stayed in the shop, only coming home to bathe and sleep. When he did see Kurt, he just stared with concern and hurt, then quickly continued to avoid speaking with his son.

Kurt sighed, his breath crystallizing in the chilly air. He wrapped his gray coat closer around himself and wandered around to the side of the mall, somewhat surprised to see another person on the shady side of the building. He narrowed his eyes at the boy, "Azimio."

"Hey, faggot. Shouldn't you be at school?"

"Shouldn't you?" Kurt snapped back.

Azimio stepped closer to him, close enough for Kurt to smell the stench of garlic on his breath, "I do what I want, lady." He grabbed Kurt by the collar of his coat and shoved him into the wall, but Kurt only frowned.

"Do it. Beat the shit out of me, Azimio." He smirked slightly, "I dare you. I'll throw you in the fucking lake like I did Finn."

At this, Azimio backed off, his eyes wide, "You're fucked up, dude. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"You're what's wrong with me. Get the hell out of here, Azimio. I'm sick of your shit." Kurt waved him off, uncaring of whether the other boy hit him or not.

"You're messed up. You need fucking help," he growled before slipping around the corner and out of Kurt's sight.

"Yeah... I do," he mumbled shortly as he continued to walk. He looked up at the sky and sighed, it was going to rain. Maybe snow, even, with how cold it was. It bothered him a little to talk about Finn the way he had, but it scared guys like Azimio, and that was all he needed. He hadn't thrown Finn in the lake, anyway. That was just what everyone thought. And why not use it to his advantage?

Shortly ahead of him, he saw a curly haired boy leaning against the wall, talking quietly on his cell phone. The boy was smoking a cigarette, and before flicking it to the ground, his dark eyes flicked up at Kurt, and a surprised look grew on his face. The boy slid his phone into his pocket and smirked, "Don't see many people coming down this dark alley during school hours."

"Could say the same to you." Kurt was cautious, though the boy looked shorter than him, Kurt wasn't much of a fighter, and didn't want to start anything he couldn't handle.

The boy just shrugged, "Cigarette?"

"Don't smoke," Kurt mumbled quietly, "You don't look like a kid who would be hanging out in some dark alley." It was the truth, really, they boy had nicely styled curly hair, and was wearing a private school blazer. To Kurt, he looked like a spoiled little rich kid, oddly out of place in the alley by the mall.

He simply smiled and lit another cigarette, "There's a lot I don't look like that I am."

Kurt would almost swear the boy had winked at him, "Like what, then?"

Again, he raised his shoulders indifferently, "Could be anything." He kicked his foot off the wall to stand straight up, face to face with Kurt, "Care to find out?"

Kurt frowned, he knew what the boy was getting at, "How do you know I would be interested in whatever you're interested in?"

He laughed shortly and looked Kurt up and down, eyeballing the tall boots and checkered scarf Kurt was wearing, "I think I can be pretty sure you're into what I'm into." He pushed Kurt gently against the wall, his hands on Kurt's hips, his face barely inches away, "How about it?"

Kurt stared into the dark eyes for a moment, it had been quite awhile. And the boy was cute. He didn't particularly want to push him away, "Alright. Sure..."

When the boy pressed his lips against Kurt's, Kurt just closed his eyes and tried to ignore the acrid taste of smoke. If he kept his eyes closed, he could pretend it was Finn again. When the boy unbuckled his belt, Kurt just wished harder, _I don't even want to know your name, if I think hard enough, I can make you just like Finn..._

(O)(o)(O)

A/N: Bahahaha. You know who the boy was, right? I haven't decided if I want him in here, or just here as a one time thing. I sort of love him as a bad influence though. I'd let that boy influence me anytime... XD

Sorry about the slow update, by the way. I have to post from work, where there's free wifi, because my internet is on hiatus until next Monday or so. So I have to drag my laptop all the way to work and blah blah blah. You know.

Anyway, tell me if you want that curly haired, private school boy in the story a little more.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I sincerely apologize for my lack of updates, but to be fair, I have a really good excuse. First of all, my anxiety issues went crazy and I had to do the whole doctor, counselor, blah, blah, blah thing, and had to chill for awhile. And also I live in a basement apartment, and there was a huge storm the other night, and everything was completely flooded out. There's five inches of standing water in my beautiful apartment (yeah, the one I just moved into). So my life's been hectic and awful, but all we lost was furniture, the upstairs neighbors helped us get our stuff away from the water. So bear with me if my updates are slow, me and my boyfriend are staying at his grandma's house and I've got a lot to do instead of type. I do apologize, though.

Anyway, on with the story, I suppose...

EDIT: I'm so, so sorry for this teeny tiny chapter, I just want you guys to know I am working on it. My life is insane right now, that's all. But I'm not quitting, I just want all of you to know that!

**CHAPTER 5**

Kurt felt dirty. Unclean and disgusting. The boy had done his deed, left him a phone number for "any future good times," and quickly disappeared into the cold alley, leaving only a trail of cigarette smoke behind him. Kurt had saved the number in his phone under the name "Z," in hopes of shoving what he'd done to the back of his mind by putting him at the bottom of his contacts list. He never found out the boy's name. He never wanted to. It was easier if he just thought of him as an object. Just something interesting he found in the alley. Something he definitely would not be mentioning to Dr. Alex.

Without anything more to do, Kurt walked slowly back to his car, climbed in, and leaned his head on the steering wheel. He wanted to cry, but couldn't even bring tears into his eyes. So instead of sobbing into his arms like he would have liked, Kurt drove home and went inside the house, stripped down quickly in the bathroom and crawled into the shower.

Steaming water beat down on him and he slunk to the shower floor, staring at himself in the slick metal shower handle. To everyone else, he probably looked the same as he always did, but to himself, he looked mean and dark. Even distorted and stretched in the curved metal handle, he could see the hardened anger in his own eyes, his mouth turned down in a frown. He wasn't light and beautiful anymore.

At this thought, Kurt did feel tears stinging in the corners of his eyes. He missed who he used to be. A boy who would never get blown behind a dumpster in the alley behind the mall. A boy who carried himself with pride instead of shame. A boy who believed in love and fairness. Kurt sniffed loudly, he wanted to be naive again. He didn't want to know how terrible the world could be. He didn't want to know how terrible he could be.

Kurt sat on the floor of the shower for a very long time, he believed it could have been at least an hour. At least long enough to run out of hot water and leave him shaking. He still didn't feel clean enough, but he slowly crawled out of the shower and dried himself down. He pulled on a tight pair of skinny jeans, and a tight fitting short sleeved shirt, which was a bit dressed down for him. Quietly, he snuck upstairs and ducked into the kitchen, avoiding his father. In silence, he grabbed a half bottle of whiskey from the cabinet over the stove and left the house. If he couldn't clear his mind with a shower, he'd clear it the only other way he knew how...

**(O)(o)(O)  
><strong>  
><em>Kurt was sitting at the edge of the water next to a sleeping Finn, waiting. Finn's hands were tied tightly with a thin white rope, as were his feet. Kurt was hugging his knees to his chest, he could feel his heart pounding against his ribs. Eventually, Finn began to stir, his eyes barely open.<br>_  
><strong>(O)(o)(O)<strong>

Finn was walking quietly next to Rachel, his hand in hers, for comfort more than anything else. She'd understood and kept by him through all of his problems, even if she still had feelings for him that would never be returned. Every so often, she would call him up and request to see him, to do anything with him, and this particular night, she'd asked to go for a long walk. Finn never denied her, even if she made him a bit nervous. He wasn't sure if he could call her a friend, but he was more comfortable around her than anyone else in the school.

Her hair fluttered slightly in the cool wind, her eyes fluttering towards Finn every so often. She gave him a small smile and squeezed his hand in hers, "So how are things going lately?"

Finn shrugged, "Alright, I guess... Same as always."

"How's your mom?"

"Tired. Working all the time." Finn frowned, "I still can't find a job. Even McDonald's won't hire me..."

Rachel nodded, "It's alright, though. She knows you're trying. It's not your fault. It's hard to find a job these days."

"Yeah..."

The two were silent as they neared the edge of town. Finn slowed slightly, but Rachel tugged him forward, "Just a little farther? The trees are so relaxing out here."

He knew she only meant the best for him, and he continued on, but he wanted more than anything to turn back. The lake was only a little further ahead, and he didn't want to be near it or the trees. He wanted to be in town, safe and bright and under the watchful eyes of everyone driving by.

**(O)(o)(O)**

Kurt knew he was driving recklessly around the curved lake road. Mostly, he didn't care because of the whiskey running in his blood, but even deeper than that, he felt so awful about himself, he didn't care what happened to him or his precious Navigator. He felt like he was going to vomit, and could feel his tires catching the grass around the sharper turns. Kurt ran a shaking hand through his short hair, only one hand on the steering wheel. The empty whiskey bottle rolled around on the passenger side floormat, bumping occasionally on the door.

He felt tears stinging in his eyes, but he blinked them away, his knuckles going white on the steering wheel. Somewhere in his mind, he asked himself if he'd taken his medicine for the day yet, even though he knew he hadn't. He hadn't for several days. He knew he'd hit rock bottom, but at the moment, he didn't care. He needed to drive faster, he needed to escape. He wanted to sing, to scream with the music. Anything to make the sickness and guilt in his stomach fade just a little.

Kurt knew when he hit grass again that he'd gone too far this time. It all happened so fast after he turned the wheel sharply to get back on the road. The large vehicle whipped across the road and tumbled roughly off the other side. With a jolt, the vehicle stopped, and Kurt realized he was not right side up, and gravity was pulling him into the roof of the car.

Kurt used what strength he had left to unbuckle and slip further against the roof, somewhat grateful the car was large enough to give him room to turn himself upright. Hazily, he dragged himself out through the broken window, his mind vaguely noticing the blood on his hands and the taste in his mouth. His lower half still in the car, Kurt collapsed in the grass and coughed slightly. There was blood on his hands and up and down his arms. He felt the vomit come up, but this time, he couldn't hold it back. Instead, he lay choking up bile in the grass.

He closed his eyes, but his mind raced. _Fuck, fuck. You have really fucked up now, Hummel. What the fuck happened to you? You had dreams, don't you remember? You were going to go to Juilliard, your life was going to be perfect and beautiful. You were going to be a Broadway star. You had dreams. You really fucked everything up. How did you let things get so bad? How could let all this happen? What the fuck have you done now, Hummel?_

Kurt felt dizzy and weak, his hands and feet numb. He felt unable to move, unable to cry or speak or breathe.

_Say goodbye to your dreams, diva. You're going to die out here in the grass. You're going to die out here on the side of the road because no one is looking for you, not even your father._

_No, stop,_ he told his conscience desperately, _I messed up, but he still loves me. He still loves me. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die..._

**(O)(o)(O)**

A/N: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So intense. So hardcore. I've never rolled a car, but I imagine it's pretty rough.


End file.
